Carmen,
A very dear friend of mine recommended a book to me recently, about finding one’s “why.” And even though our conversation was about something else entirely (and I still have yet to read the book), it got me thinking about why we’ve handled our life with(out) you the way we have.
Even more recently, as a pregnant friend and I were discussing the devastatingly difficult prognosis a she had received about the sweet baby she was carrying, we talked about the moment she and her husband had to break the news to their two daughters. Her oldest daughter (a close friend of our middle daughter, Maddie) asked if the baby was going to die. And my friend had to tell her that they didn’t know what would happen, but it was a possibility. And very matter-of-factly her daughter replied “Well, Maddie’s sister died. And she’s okay. And her mom’s okay. So if our baby dies, we will be okay.”
Carmen, in that moment right there (and the realization that there could be other stories like this one that your mama may not even know about), I found my why. Why we continue to hold a place for you in our family, even when it can be painful at times. Why we insist on raising your brother and sisters to know you and claim you as their own even when it can be awkward to have your sister proclaim to complete strangers that she has a sister that died and lives with Jesus in Heaven now. (I suppose I really should teach them the term “stillborn” one of these days) Why my heart breaks deeply and so wide open that I can scarcely breathe when I learn about other mamas experiencing similar and not so similar situations of miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, and adoption failure. Because there is such a valuable empathy in sharing our experience with others, one that connects our hearts in a beautiful, albeit tragic, way.
And that’s why, my love. Why we will continue to celebrate your birthday with the biggest party we can each year. To pay forward the deep joy and the true blessings you have brought to our family and our lives. And if freely sharing our grief in saying goodbye to you and the subsequent healing our faith in the victory of God over death itself has given us, can help lift up even just one person, it has all been worth it.