I want you to know how many people are praying for and thinking of you, miss Carmen Marie. There are so many people in this world who care about you, just like your mama and daddy. I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support for you and I hope you can feel it. Some people say that the internet has isolated people, and no one truly connects anymore (face-to-face, anyway), but I have to imagine that our situation would be even more isolating without it. Honestly, it’s a good thing your mama quit her job to stay home with you and your brother when we found out we were having you back in July… I’m going to need the time to respond to everyone’s beautiful messages! 😉 I really do treasure them just like I would any in-person interactions because to dismiss them would be like saying that spending time with you and writing these letters to you now is pointless because you are not out here in the world with me yet to speak the words into your sweet little ears. I know you can hear me, just like I know that God hears all of our prayers and is preparing a special little spot for you with Him in Heaven, even while we beg Him for just one more day with your beautiful soul here on earth.
It is humbling to hear people call your mama strong, when I feel so weak and helpless, though. You know what your daddy used to tell me? Before we found out how sick you are, when there were dishes to be done, or other things around the house that your mama should have been taking care of, but all I wanted to do was sleep because being pregnant makes me tired, your daddy would say, “Your only job right now is to grow that baby, so you go to bed and I will take care of it.” (DidI tell you yet that your daddy is a saint?) So I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed. I’ve failed your daddy and I’ve failed you. The doctor says there was nothing I did to cause this, and nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. But being a mama is my vocation, being your mama is my vocation. It’s my responsibility to protect you and keep you safe and healthy and I’ve failed. Meanwhile in all of this I let your brother down when we showed up at his Tuesday ECFE class this morning and your mama had completely forgotten to dress him up for Halloween. He was the only one not wearing a costume or fun outfit. It seems so silly to even give it a second thought (especially when Tommy is too young to even care!), but today it just felt like yet another fail for your mama. I just pray that God succeeds in all the places I may fail… and I know He does. He has overcome this world and He shows me His goodness and His power through your amazing daddy and the way he leads our family, and through all the friends and family who are supporting us right now.
Your tia Jennifer and cousin Alyce stopped by to bring us some pretty fall flowers today! And Tommy showed me what a good big brother he’d be to you. He immediately shared his blankie and pacifier with baby Alyce, things your mama has difficulty getting him to put down at times (and let’s just say he’s not too keen on the whole “sharing” concept right now!). And he entertained her by dancing for her and playing puppeteer with her stuffed animals. He even said “sorry” (for the first time!) when he got too excited and hit Alyce and made her cry. I just know he would take such good care of you and watch over you, just like your daddy would’ve taught him to do. But what’s really special is that you get to watch over him from Heaven, instead!
After dinner tonight your aunt Steph, aunt Kristin and uncle Kevin came over to carve pumpkins with Tommy, daddy, you and me. Well, more so with Tommy and daddy because your mama refuses to touch pumpkin guts. Don’t worry, I would never make you touch them either (not like your mean old grandpa Tom who thought making me gut my own pumpkin growing up would “toughen” me up… I know, what was he thinking?). You even got a pumpkin tonight– your aunt Steph’s future mother-in-law sent along a little pumpkin just for you (isn’t that thoughtful?!) and your daddy carved a pretty design with your initials on it. It’s out on our front step right now next to Tommy’s!
Your mama needs to go to bed, though, because all the activity today has wiped me out. But before I say goodnight, I just want to make sure you know that I am trying so hard to be a good mama for you and your brother. I would endure all the suffering in this world for you if it meant you could be healthy. But even if I cannot give you health, I will give you all the love I have until my heart is so broken apart that only Jesus can pick up the pieces. Goodnight, sweetheart. Sleep well while mama holds you all night long.
Love,
Mama
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)