Happy Halloween, Carmen Marie! This morning we took Tommy to visit the residents of a nearby nursing home with our church’s moms’ group. Actually, we took a little monkey! That’s what Tommy was dressed as. It was fun to see how happy everyone was to see all the cute little kiddos dressed up in their fun costumes. I’m glad I had the opportunity to take you and your brother to do something nice for other people, because that is something I’d want to make sure you’d learn to do. Even little things can make a difference. Did you know your daddy and I met volunteering at our church? I feel like that was such a big part of our story, that we need to make sure to pass it on to our children.
Your mama’s doctor called again today. We finally found out why you’re so sick. I feel fortunate to have an answer, when there are so many people who never know why they lost their children. Your mama got a virus and then I passed it onto you. I never even knew I was sick. Only 1% of babies ever get this virus, and only a small amount of those actually get sick from it. So I don’t know why it attacked you so hard. I’m not one that talks about the devil much (because let’s be honest, who wants to give him the satisfaction?) but I can only imagine he was so jealous of how very precious you are to God that he took it out on you. As your uncle Bryan would say (and I’m probably misquoting his eloquence here!)… if your power can be measured by the opposition of your enemy(ies)… Carmen Marie, you are one extra special little lady and I am so proud of you! My innocent little girl, know that you did not deserve this. No baby does. My heart hurts not just for you, but for all the mamas and daddies whose children have been affected by this silent virus. It will forever be burned into my mind… because it’s almost as if its abbreviation was named after you. Obviously that’s not the case, but the ironic thing is, we named you the day before we got your diagnosis and somehow it ended up being a “perfect” match: CMV. I’m not a superstitious person, so I don’t want to dwell on it, but it was almost reassuring, as if God is telling us that everything is as it’s supposed to be.
After dinner we lit your pretty little monogrammed pumpkin with Tommy’s out on our front step for a little while before we took him trick or treating. Everyone loves it and thinks your daddy did an amazing job carving it. I hope you enjoy all the chocolate mama will be eating as much as your brother liked his tonight… he only got a couple pieces but your daddy bought way too much candy that we never handed out, so you’ll get lots from me in the next few weeks. Consider yourself spoiled; it’s the least I can do.
Our good friend Father G came over tonight to chat after all of the Halloween festivities. It was helpful for your daddy and I to talk to him, if only just to have a few questions answered and enjoy some fellowship. (Although he was kind enough to not say anything, if he’s read any of this, I’m sure he’s cringing at all of the theological inaccuracies in my writing!) We asked him to be the priest for your funeral mass (your mama insists on nothing less than a full mass with Eucharist!), and I know he will do a beautiful job with it, just like he did with our wedding mass. As he blessed our little family before leaving tonight, it reminded me of the night I met him– he blessed your daddy and I at your mama’s surprise golden birthday party that turned into an engagement party when your daddy proposed! It brought me back to a moment of happiness in the midst of the sadness that has clouded this past week.
Carmen, even though this time has been very difficult and filled with sadness for your daddy and I, you make us so happy and you always will. If I could could fix you, I would. But if I could go back and wish all of this away, like none of it ever happened, I don’t think I would. I don’t think I could. Because that would be wishing you away and you have changed our hearts in ways we didn’t even realize we needed– that is your gift to us. And I will be thanking God for you and your gift for the rest of my life. Goodnight, sweetheart. We love you.
Love,
Mama
“All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.” Luke 21:4